It is not under-education or an inability to think critically which part people from their money, it is their uncontrolled emotions. Faced with purchasing a house which they know is unaffordable or choosing to rent they will not bother to run the comparison as long as it is their dream and “someone” told them they could. Had grumpy old Mr. Critical Thought been allowed to show up and run a spread sheet or put the numbers into Quicken they (the cold, emotionless reality of the numbers) would have irrefutably deprived them of their “dream”.

This drama plays out everyday at different levels across the spectrum of human psychology, the food you should not eat because you are morbidly obese, the years-old but never used exercise equipment in the garage, the spouse or partner who is abusive but you can’t leave, the dress, shoes, house, boat, car you have to buy but cannot afford, the candidates we vote for because we like the way they part their hair. The inconsistencies, contradictions and convolutions are endless and mind-boggling to the point of madness to the observer.

Facing your inconsistencies and contradictions is a never-ending battle.  To avoid succumbing to negativity and false senses of happiness (mindless consumerism, distractions, addictions/vices), I’ve found the following help:

• Surrounding yourself with friends, family that support and encourage your growth as a human.
• Feeding your brain positive information (listening to and engaging your mind in positive thoughts).
• Being introspective (journaling, silent thought) and determining your own value system, not one that your parents/your society gives you.
• Being consciously aware of your own strengths, weaknesses and limitations.  Actively working to tilt the playing field in your favor.
• Being honest with yourself, your lifestyle and those around you.  Honesty is sanity.

Takeaway:  Life is too short to waste time with distractions.  Since your mind can be your best friend or worst enemy, it makes sense to work on your attitude/worldview/values to have more peace of mind.

Since America is an instant gratification society with an ever-declining attention span, I was delighted to see this piece of human accomplishment so well-maintained and well cared for.  It brought to mind some important facts.

There are many parallels between taking care of a motor vehicle and taking care of your loved ones.  For husbands and fathers, it is important to know that the values that make cars last also make relationships last.

Preventative Maintenance - The Model T obviously required an inordinate amount of maintenance over the years from its owner.  Preventative maintenace is part of being a great husband and great father.  It takes years and years of daily care and attention in any relationship to build up a level of trust.

Patience - A loving relationship requires extraordinary amounts of patience and work.  It is easier to get into flings and shallow relationships/friendships, but the rewards aren’t as great.  The rewards of an honest, patient relationship are worth it.  A high level of trust makes it easier to get through the rough patches.

Pride - The man who owned the Model T took time out of his day to explain to me the nuances of his vehicle.  He showed me the old-fashioned horn, the gears and the antique headlights.  His actions and demeanor spoke for themselves.  Pride in your loved ones comes from patience and mutual respect.  Pride is not buying an expensive ring, it is holding the door; fifty years later.

Takeaway:  There are some cars that are new and flashy that never satisfy an impatient owner for very long.  A luxurious Buick or Cadillac, well-maintained and well-cared for, only gets better with age.

Your family is with you from the time you are an infant until the time you have children or grandchildren of your own.  Treat them them with pride and your investment will last a lifetime.

The father of Bill Gates, William Gates, has some great wisdom to share about raising his son.  You can read the entire interview here.

As a child, Bill Gates was introduced to a psychologist/psychiatrist who imparted on him the following valuable lesson:

There isn’t any benefit to fighting with your parents.  It was all about the issues, the battles were going to be about the real world, and they were really on my side.  And that was fantastic.  It just changed my mindset.  I was only 12 or 13 at the time.  I think it made things a lot smoother from that point on.

Inthon:  Our actions as children and parents should definitely mirror that important concept.  Honestly expressing your love for your child in a way that your child implicitly knows you care about them and that they can trust that you will be on their side in the long run.

Parents can also play a role in articulating that while fights are borne out of a disagreement about what is best for the child, parents should acknowledge that both parties want the exact same outcome: 

a healthy, successful child.

Obviously… easier said than done.

Bill Gates goes on to mention:

And the thing that people there taught us and emphasized, which is so significant is that you should never demean your child.

Inthon:  We all remember when our parents accidentally or intentionally demean us or put us down.  They can often overshadow great things that they taught us.  As adults, we must be mindful that, no matter what happens, demeaning does not produce positive results.

Lastly, Mohammed El-Erian of PIMCO had good advice on intellectual honesty:

Unless you read different points of view, your mind will eventually close, and you’ll become a prisoner to a certain point of view that you’ll never question.

I agree with this principle and I have made it a priority to get my information from radically different and opinionated sources.  It has been invaluable in expanding my worldview.

This issue of Fortune is on the newsstands now and is definitely worth checking out.

Takeaway: Life does not come with an instruction manual.  I have found it beneficial to learn as I go along for roles and duties which I will eventually face… in this case, fatherhood.  Feel free to submit ideas and tips to inthonblog@gmail.com

Jackson had a terrible childhood.  A childhood I cannot even begin to imagine:

• Jackson stated that he was physically and emotionally abused by his father from a young age, enduring incessant rehearsals, whippings and name-calling.

• In one altercation—later recalled by Marlon Jackson—Joseph (father) held Michael upside down by one leg and “pummeled him over and over again with his hand, hitting him on his back and buttocks”.

• One night while Jackson was asleep, Joseph climbed into his room through the bedroom window. Wearing a fright mask, he entered the room screaming and shouting. Joseph said he wanted to teach his children not to leave the window open when they went to sleep.

• He said that during his childhood he often cried from loneliness and would sometimes start to vomit upon seeing his father.

The trauma he suffered from his childhood, the constant media attention and a medical condition which altered his appearance obviously had a role in bringing forth some of his bizarre behaviors.

Child molestation charges aside (he was acquitted), he managed to come up with some very inspiring music, which can often touch us in ways that other mediums cannot.

One of his hits, Man in the Mirror, deals with a man’s realization of how lucky he is and how he plans to make a change.

As I turned up the collar on
My favorite winter coat
This wind is blowin’ my mind
I see the kids in the street
With not enough to eat
Who am I to be blind
Pretending not to see their needs

I’m starting with the man in the mirror
I’m asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change

Man in the Mirror brings to mind another poem about being honest with oneself.

The Guy in the Glass is a poem about being true to yourself.  It is amazing how we can enjoy great food, wine, luxuries and still feel miserable if we’ve cheated “The Guy in the Glass”.

When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,
And the world makes you King for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that guy has to say.

For it isn’t your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
Who judgement upon you must pass.
The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the guy staring back from the glass.

He’s the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
For he’s with you clear up to the end,
And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.

You may be like Jack Horner and “chisel” a plum,
And think you’re a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you’re only a bum
If you can’t look him straight in the eye.

You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you’ve cheated the guy in the glass.

The word pelf in the first line means “wealth.” The word self is often incorrectly substituted.

It is startling how true that poem is.  Our minds have an innate ability to give us credit when we know we’ve earned it and feel guilty when we’ve done something wrong.

To improve, we should listen to these signals as closely as possible despite what social conditioning tells us.

You must be the change you wish to see in the world. – Mohondas Gandhi

Takeaway:  The hard work of improving yourself, your family, your country or anything begins with you.  We, as men, get the government/family/self-respect we deserve.

This time to reflect is important since if we are working hard,  but not smart, all our effort is for naught.

There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all. – Peter Drucker

Likewise, it is important to take a step back and think about our everyday habits and behaviors and scrutinize whether or not those daily actions are bringing us closer to or farther from where we would like to be.

If we are dissatisfied with our direction in life, we must CHANGE something to achieve different results.

If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.

Growth only comes from exiting our comfort zone.  As men, we should always seek to improve ourselves:  on the job, at home, wherever you have a prescence.

Coasting, resting on your laurels, counting your chickens are all forms of cancer which will kill even the most talented among us.

Complacency Kills

With that, I am displaying a very simple goal exercise which takes a few minutes, which can shed light on your progress.

Simply list in plain English that which IS working and that which IS NOT working.

Things that have been working

• My relationship is healthy; I proposed to my girlfriend, now my fiancee.
• I created and expanded my website, inthon.com
• I am still exercising regularly and I have increased my strength dramatically
• I am continuing to feed my brain healthy, positive, life-affirming messages and doing my best to avoid negative thinking.

Things that have not been working

• I still read too much, write too little.
• I do not take as much time as I should to be reflective and journal.
• There is room for improvement at work.
• My sleep patterns have been off since December due to late nights and napping.

This is a very rudimentary exercise, but it forces you to be honest and assess what is working and what isn’t.

Takeaway: Growth does not happen until we exit our comfort zone.  This simple exercise can give you a good idea of where you are progressing and where you are stagnating.  Please give it a try.

My worldview isn’t solely a function of the financial markets, it is a function of trying to understand the world around me, focus on the positive and, most importantly, be thankful that things could be much worse.

I think part of that mindset comes from determining what really matters in life.  I’ve been around very rich and successful people and they did not seem satisfied in their lives.  In fact, they consumed as much alcohol, rich food, and distracting “entertainment” as poorer people.  The best things in life are good health and being able to share your love and talents with others.

I’ve come to realize that the ugly reality of the daily grind helps us appreciate the everyday happiness right in front of our face.  Clean water, delicious and plentiful food, libraries full of books and constant entertainment/amusement/enlightenment from the Internet.

When you have a chance to truly slow down the “frames” in the movie of life and compare it to that of other people’s movies or other time periods in history, it is truly a privilege to be alive. The fact that you’re reading this article on a computer or phone(!) is proof enough that you have access to the greatest knowledge base in all of mankind.  The richest people only 25 years ago could not access the very information you have available to you at your whim.

Gratitude, or “everyday happiness”, comes from slowing down.  It also comes from being made aware of worse situations, either those you experienced firsthand, or that which you observe or conceptualize.

I struggled financially for quite a few years before slowly building some savings.  I’ve eaten poorly and had periods of ill health before realizing how important good health is.  I’ve been incredibly lonely before finding someone to share my life with.  I’ve faked enjoying late nights at crowded, filthy bars before realizing I could enjoy the peace and comfort of my apartment reading thought-provoking books or articles.

I remember a few years back in Chicago, I bought an expensive piece of Gruyere cheese from Whole Foods.  I took a very sharp paring knife and sliced a razor thin piece and let it melt and dissolve on my tongue.  Even though I wasn’t able to save any money during that period, I really enjoyed and savored that piece of cheese.  Nowadays, I wouldn’t think twice about buying a piece of expensive cheese, but I doubt I would enjoy it as much now as I did then.  The difference?  Enjoyment and gratitude.

Yes, the next few years will be incredibly difficult.  The markets will suffer horribly, a currency crisis is not impossible and our standards of living will contract.  Does that make me pessimistic?  No.  Life will still be wonderful as long as we have our health and our sense of gratitude.

To read more about creating an Accurate Model of Reality, click here.

Having children is no picnic, but connecting with them definitely keeps us young and helps us remember the positive aspects of our youth as they fade away each passing day.  That afternoon of dodgeball gave me a moment to have some of my freedom back and to do something I genuinely enjoyed doing.

Life is not always easy.  It can be a grind to put up with the banalties of work and the stress of having adult responsibilities.  Painful failures with the opposite sex, work and our own stupidity can harden us to world.  It’s worth fighting to keep a portion of you that holds on to the past when recess was what mattered, not work or the other stresses that accompany our lifestyle.

Throwing a dodgeball around during lunch gave me a moment that rich food or drink simply could not match.  It was a unique experience that left me a much happier person.  I have noticed that when helping others or doing what I intrinsically find satisfying, I feel much happier.  If you’re dissatisfied at work, try playing a sport with a child or doing something genuinely kind for someone.  I’ve found both of these things help to turn a bad day into a good one.

To read more about finding happiness in unexpected places, read here

Steve Pavlina has a great new article about relationships on his site. I encourage you to read it.

When I was in college, I often struggled interacting with women. I used to despise parties, filthy bars and low-quality alcohol. I wasn’t able to connect well with people at the parties and something always seemed phony about the atmosphere. Why so crowded? Why so loud? Why so dark? I always found parties and clubs to be an assault on one’s senses.

At the time, I felt there was something wrong with me for not enjoying the bar/party scene. I never understood the appeal of waiting in line for 35 minutes to (literally) piss away money on alcohol with women that were totally incompatible with me and who I had no interest in. The more I tried to force myself to enjoy the scene, the less interested I became.

After the college scene, I moved on to a less bar/frat-party scene and went to parties with friends of friends. These were far better than the parties in college since my “crowd” tended to be young professionals who weren’t there to get smashed.

What I learned from these types of parties was that a more comfortable, open setting was more conducive to engaging in real conversation with a real woman.

To take it one step further, I found my highest level of comfort when I totally disengaged from the party atmosphere and just engaged a woman one on one in dialogue. This is how I met my current long-time girlfriend and best friend.

I was working/commuting about 11 hours a day and had little time/patience to try and meet a girl at a bar; I realized the best way to connect would be by phone. Since I knew that this particular lady (a friend of a friend) was well-educated and down to earth, I began to engage her in conversation, first over email and then over the phone. As we talked more and more, we both began to discover each others value systems, attitudes and habits. It was this critical stage which was key to really moving past friendship and becoming lovers. Conversely, in bars and parties these types of conversations were avoided at all costs.

As Steve writes in the article, this process of directly connecting with someone is so much more enjoyable, compelling and human than inflicting a line on a stranger in a bar and then trying to decipher what their real motives are (sex, love, friendship???).

Trying to figure out what someone is like on the inside when they’re intoxicated, poorly lit, and shouting is a recipe for disaster.

There is still a stigma about online dating or long-distance relationships. In my experience I didn’t find that to be the case. By directly connecting and quickly engaging in deep conversations, my girlfriend and I both avoided the “game” of dating and moved directly to determining whether or not we had sufficient compatibility.

I’m proud to say that my girlfriend and I have been together for two and half years and we’ve built a close, caring relationship. We’ve both made our relationship our #1 priority. As a result, it has paid better dividends than any investment or any other way I could have invested my time/energy/money.

My advice is: be yourself upfront and avoid “games” at all costs. Your geeky, honest self is the best thing you have to offer to anyone who has the privilege of connecting with you.

Thank you for reading.

To read more about building relationships, click here.

Yesterday was my girlfriend’s birthday.  While I remembered to get her gifts and spend time with her, I didn’t realize how much her birthday meant to her.

I often find myself still operating in bachelor mode, where such things are no big deal.  However, when she told me that my birthday was a big deal to her since it is a day celebrating “the birth of me”, I laughed and realized I was pretty lucky to have someone think about it like that.

My girlfriend also helped me recognize the joy of Christmas.  Even though I am not Christian and do not celebrate the holiday with religious activities, to her it symbolizes love for family and appreciation for all that we have.

Her joy about birthdays and Christmas are great examples of her good spirit, and, rather than resisting her enthusiasm, I find it far more enjoyable to end my bah-humbug attitude about birthdays and join her in celebration.

Life is too short to not enjoy each possible day, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant.

To read more about relationships, click here.

Relationship/Family goals are coming first, followed by Work Goals, then Health Goals, and then the rest.

I realize there are benefits and detriments to writing down goals, however, I feel that seeing these goals on a daily basis will help me remember my priorities. I have too great of a relationship and a family to screw it up with complacency.

Thanks for reading.

To read more about deliberate practice, click here.